I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
