you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
