I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Barsexuality is the new black.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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