Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
