you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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