This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize