So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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