Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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