Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Randomize
