Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
