im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize
