i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
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