At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
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