FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
