my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
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Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
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It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I'm gonna fight the coyote
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
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