Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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