note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize