What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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