wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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