I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
We had to coat check the pizza.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
