I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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