I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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