She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
