she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
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