I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
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My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
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There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize