omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
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