I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Randomize
