I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.