he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
19 People Confess The Worst Things They Have Been Accused Of
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.