I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.