Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.