Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Randomize
