I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
