Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
