Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
