I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
