Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
barbara walters just said penis...
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
