Well apparently he's into motor boating.
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
