I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
