i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
