Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Randomize
