I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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