Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Randomize
