We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Randomize
