He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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