Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
