i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
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woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
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Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
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