So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
