I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Randomize
