Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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