So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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