I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
