Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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