I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
