Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
