He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
