where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I need help removing her.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize