I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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