Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
